Anger is probably one of the most intimidating feelings we can experience. It is also the most difficult emotion to express constructively and effectively. Most of us react to anger, whether it’s internal or coming from others, by attacking or retreating.

Attacks can be direct, loud, and aggressive. But they can also be silent, vengeful, and passive. Retreats, too, can manifest in different ways, either obvious and complete or indirect and partial.

For instance, if I feel angry at you, I might attack by cursing, screaming, and calling you names. Or I could attack passively by “forgetting” to tell you the time and place of a very important meeting.

If I feel attacked by you, I might react by screaming, cursing, and threatening physical violence. Alternatively, I might agree to do what you want just to get you to calm down and then do things my way after you’re gone. I could also react passively by checking out emotionally, either daydreaming or just tuning you out.

None of these actions and reactions allows you to deal effectively with the situation that prompted the anger. But there are techniques that will help you handle anger effective. The following is a S-I-M-P-L-E-R process to follow when you become the target of someone’s anger.

1. See clearly what the anger is about. Is it really about the issue being discussed? Or are there deeper and more difficult issues that really need to be addressed?

2. Investigate. Ask for permission to explore the issue by saying, “I’d like to check something out with you…” Then ask probing questions until you come to a a clear understanding of the issues. Make sure you don’t respond or defend when the other person gives you answers. You’re just on a fact-finding mission.

3. Manage the situation. Realize that you control your anger; your anger doesn’t control you. Be a calm and steady influence on the interaction. Don’t react to the other person’s anger with your own. Remember to breathe.

4. Prepare for a successful outcome by removing all distractions. Give the angry person your full and focused attention.

5. Listen carefully to what the other person is saying, even if it is emotionally very difficult to hear. Use reflective listening (rephrase and reflect back what you think you hear until all involved agree they are being heard clearly). One of the primary negative effects of anger is that the people involved stop hearing what is being said.

6. Empathize. Now that you have heard the other person, put yourself in his/her shoes and try to understand how he/she feels and why. Imagine clearly how you would feel if you were in that position.

7. Resolve the issue either by compromising on issues or stating clearly and in a non-threatening way that you are not willing to compromise and why.

It will probably take some practice before you become skilled at using this process to handle anger. But if you faithfully apply the SIMPLER solution, you’ll soon see a noticeable improvement in your personal and business relationships.

Coyright 2007 Helen Dahlhauser. All rights reserved.